How I Hired Mercanaries From the Asylum

For a while I've been seeing this action film Mercenaries pop up on Netflix. The reviews weren't great and finding out it was made by The Asylum (who you may remember as one of the leading companies in the production of modern b-movies). However, it sounded like my kind of action film, at least on paper. After all, it was all about a group of tough women and female bonding in roles that would in any other film have been played by men. That pretty much sums up all but one of my screenplays (and that was only because it was an adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft's At the Mountains of Madness), so this sounded like it would be right up my alley. If nothing else I could learn a thing or two about how not to write the strong female characters in my scripts. After one embarrassing incident in which I accidentally confused it with another b-movie that coincidentally had the same title (that's a story for another time), I finally managed to see it. It wasn't great, but it was entertaining in the usual b-movie kind of way.

The President's Daughter Elise (Tiffany Panhilason) is touring... somewhere dangerous. They never really make it clear where. Unfortunately, she has been assigned the worst secret servicemen the President has to offer. Her car is ambushed by a female warlord named Ulrika (Brigitte Nelson, doing a bad Tilda Swinton impression), the secret servicemen are quickly killed, and she is easily captured. Enter Mona (Cynthia Rothrock), a government person who looks more like an aging rock star than a politician, who concludes that the only logical solution is to hire a team of female convicts. She finds four that she concludes are bad enough dudettes to save the President's daughter, and sends them into the field.

As you can expect, Mercenaries has all the trademarks of a typical b-movie. We have the ridiculous plot, the over-the-top situations, the plot holes, the cheesy special effects, the contrived situations, questionable acting, the list goes on. I didn't exactly go in with the highest expectations. However, the one thing it promises, action girls, it does manage to deliver. I will give it credit for including a female villain, something that you don't often see in action films, even if her motives aren't very well explained beyond being a power-hungry dictator who for some reason endorses the oppression of women under her rule (something about using them to keep the men under control, it's not entirely clear).

The four leads aren't exactly Sigourney Weaver, Angelina Jolie, Ming-Na Wen, and Zoe Saldana (which would itself be an awesome combination), but as far as b-movie standards go they do an okay job. The most enjoyable of the lot would have to be  Nicole Biderback as Mei-Lin Fong, the team's explosives expert. Her acting is hardly perfect, but she seems to have so much fun with her character it's hard for her not to steal the show whenever she's on screen. The idea of making one of the characters a female soldier is also a nice touch, and they do manage to give her a reasonably clear backstory. Unfortunately, the other two, while appropriately tough, are severely underdeveloped.

The action is solid... mostly, provided you don't go in with high expectations. There are plenty of cheesy effects, especially towards the end where we get some ridiculous explosions which make less sense than a Michael Bay film and a terrible CGI airplane. The makeup job isn't all that great either. The blood is hilariously unconvincing, and the leading actresses can act somewhat like they are wounded, but have trouble doing so consistently. They'll go back and forth between actually acting like they've been hit to being completely oblivious to the obvious bullet wounds sometimes in the same scene.

While Mercenaries succeeds in delivering on the tough women it promises, its mostly just a b-movie. Admittedly it can be entertaining and at times humorous provided you go in with low expectations, but that's really all it is. That said, I do think it has some good ideas, and the basic premise would be worth revisiting in a future production, perhaps in a mainstream film with a more competent director in charge and a more solid cast. Still, if you need an hour and half to kill and you want something that doesn't require too much thinking, Mercenaries might just be the film for you.

What Makes a B-Movie?

I've been going through a collection of "sci-fi classics" during the summer, which is actually made up largely of cheesy b-movies, but it's not exclusively b-movies in the strictest sense. Some of them (First Spaceship to Venus, Voyage to the Prehistoric Planet, and Voyage to the Planet of the Prehistoric Women) were foreign movies deliberately re-edited to cover up any sign that they were originally mainstream productions originating from the Soviet Union. Others are just really bad (Horrors of Spider Island), some are hilariously bad (Santa Claus Conquers the Martians), and others are somewhere in the middle.

The funny thing about older b-movies is that it seems to be very rare to see one that actually delivers what the title promises. Teenagers From Outer Space is a good example, which has several men from outer space but all of them are clearly over the age of 20. Attack of the Monsters had some monsters who spend most of their screen time fighting each other and not really attacking much. Queen of the Amazons had a grand total of one "Amazonian" woman. Horrors of Spider Island had very few spiders and most of the danger came from one character getting bit and somehow mutating into an invincible monster. She-Gods of Shark Reef had a tribe of women and a reef with sharks that was never named, but definitely no obvious "She-Gods".

When one brings up the subject of b-movies, there are a few images that usually tend to come up. Often they're associated with the 1950's. Common elements associated with them include black and white photography and cheesy special effects. There are plenty of those, like the normal-sized lobster that threatens the protagonists of Teenagers From Outer Space or the pie pan flying saucers in Plan 9 From Outer Space, but the basic definition is a bit more complicated than that.

B-movies are so called because they are usually made with b-list actors. These are lesser known actors that are able to work for less, as opposed to the much better-known a-list stars you see in big budget Hollywood productions. Such films are usually cheap (hence the cheesy effects) and not released as widely as other productions. Though they are often associated with science fiction, a b-movie can really fit into any genre. With the collection of "Sci-fi Classics" I've been going through, there have been several (i.e. Queen of the Amazons, She-Gods of Shark Reef, Horrors of Spider Island) where I have been left wondering what exactly the science fiction aspect of the story was.

There are patterns that seem to emerge in storylines as well as with films of this period. One idea that seemed to be ludicrously common was for a group of (usually all male) characters to encounter a fictional world populated entirely by scantily clad women. Naturally, nobody ever questions this and the subject of how a society in which men do not exist is able to reproduce and thus keep themselves going is never addressed. Aliens often appear in either really unconvincing outfits or as humanoid, and if the latter is picked expect that they will have a language that is by total coincidence identical to English so they will have no trouble communicating with humans.

While the term often implies mediocre quality, not all b-movies are terrible. The H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society's adaptation of The Whisperer in Darkness could technically be considered a b-movie. It was made on a low budget with a cast made entirely of b-list actors and was even shot in familiar black and white. Despite all this, it still managed to be a chilling rendition of a great story that may have even been more Lovecraftian than Lovecraft's original vision.

While hearing the term "b-movie" often brings up images of those from the 1950's, it's hardly confined to that point in history. The concept of the b-movie originated near the end of the silent era and it still continues today. They may have changed over time, but they do still exist. The Whisperer In Darkness was released in 2011 and could be considered a b-movie, but there are still plenty that are as bad as those of the 1950's, if for different reasons.

Modern b-movies work a bit different from the 1950's variety. A lot of them seem to be a bit more fast-paced, usually bringing in large amounts of painfully unconvincing CGI. The plots I have found often involve various monsters that the protagonists (who are often super-attractive but have no real personality) have to survive against while the supporting cast gets killed off with varying degrees of gore. Right now, The Asylum appears to be one of the major producers of modern b-movies, with films like Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, but the one that is probably best known at the moment would be the cult hit Sharknado.

I myself have actually been involved with the production of a b-movie. Back in one of my high school film classes, we were given the assignment to create a b-movie of sorts. It was certainly a difficult experience, I can tell you that, largely because I was the only one who actually took the project seriously and wanted to make a real horror film.

I remember several times trying to make the case that our best bet was to refrain from showing the monster but nobody ever listened. My contributions were mostly behind the scenes, doing the camera work and editing that clip from Angel Heart to look like it was being played on an old TV. Unfortunately in keeping with the b-movie spirit somewhere along the line my initial concept for how to handle that scene got lost. I wanted to include the part where Robert De Niro actually bites into the egg as foreshadowing for what was to come later on in the main narrative, but the guy responsible for editing the project didn't end up doing that.

It certainly has the spirit of an old b-movie, however, with the wooden acting and cheesy effects. The bizarre plot  fits in more or less with the kinds of things you might see in a b-movie. Basically, the story amounts to a group of junkies dragging their friends into school on a weekend to reclaim confiscated drugs only to get chased by a "soul sucker", and this one girl just happens to have found an old book that somehow explains everything. The "soul sucker" is of course basically just a creepy old man (played by a fairly young man in a wig), with plenty of contrived death scenes for the leads.

In most respects, it is a pretty cheesy movie, but it does have the feeling of an old-fashioned b-movie. Given that was what we were assigned to do, it did succeed in that regard as silly as the final product was.  As you can see, b-movies are very much an important part of film culture, as bad and painful as some of them might get. They have been with us since the silent era, and as long as the medium of film exists, b-movies will likely continue to exist in some form or another, even if they change with time.

Santa Clause Conquers the Martians... Or Does He?

On the planet Mars, the local people (who look more or less like us except for slightly greener skin and funny hats) are becoming concerned about the obsessions their children have been developing with Earth programs, specifically material about Santa Claus. They're becoming uncooperative and hard to work with. When the Martian high counsel consults a wise elder, they realize that pumping massive amounts of techno babble into a child’s head from infancy might not be such a great idea. 

They are told that the solution is to let the children be children, to allow them to laugh and learn how to have fun, so naturally, the best course of action is to travel to Earth and kidnap Santa Claus. That turns out to be slightly more complicated than expected when they seemingly find a thousand men in red suits and end up kidnapping two children when they reveal where to find the real Santa. 

However, the Martians are quickly won over by their new friend, who manages to bring joy and happiness to all. That is except for one small group who oppose the changes Santa is bringing to their society, and plot to get rid of him. Hilarity inevitably ensues as the Martians try to protect Santa from the rebels that want him off.

I’m not normally a huge fan of so bad its good-type movies, but this one was a lot of fun. I think part of what makes this particular b-movie work so well is that it is self-aware of its status. It knows it’s a cheap b-movie with a ridiculous premise, cheesy special effects, and an extremely low budget. In fact I wouldn’t be surprised if half the toys we see in the movie were just whatever the filmmakers could find under $5.00.

The thing is many b-movies still try to take themselves seriously, and what really makes this film so enjoyable is that it embraces its absurdity. It knows it’s a silly movie and just goes all out, with the bizarre costumes worn by the Martians, the campy sets, and the obviously fake special effects. The "robot" the Martians try to use to kidnap Santa (which ends up becoming one of his toys) is obviously just an actor wearing a cardboard box and the polar bear is clearly just a person in a suit. 

Naturally, the acting ranges between poor and over-the-top, but given the quality of the overall film it fits in perfectly. There is, however, one performance that stands out: John Call is surprisingly good in the role of Santa Claus. He captures the essence of the character so perfectly you forget its just an actor. Every scene he’s in Santa manages to be so jolly and loveable. He’s such a kind man and always manages to find ways to brighten up even the darkest moments of the film. Really, when I think of Santa Claus, I imagine someone like in this movie.

While the title Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is something of a misnomer (since he doesn’t really “conquer” them), the movie is great campy fun. It’s no ground-breaking masterpiece in the vein of 2001: A Space Odyssey, but if you want an enjoyably bad b-movie you’ll be in for a real treat.

Rocket Number 9 Take Off To the Planet Venus... On Second Thought, Maybe Don't

So I've recently been working my way through a collection of "sci-fi classics" (or more accurately, a bunch of b-movies, some of which I have no idea where the science fiction aspect is) that I got for Christmas a few years ago. Unfortunately, since I don't know how to make robots out of the parts of my blu-ray player that control when the movie starts and ends, I had to do the riffing all by myself.

There's a total of 100 films and I've so far watched 11. At best, most of the movies have been tolerable or at least enjoyably bad. Some of them are flawed but have interesting enough ideas to keep you going (The Incredible Petrified World), and some are just horrendously bad. Horrors of Spider Island had absolutely no logic to it, almost no spiders (the real antagonist was one of the main characters who somehow turned into an indestructible monster after being bit by a spider) and at one point the plot is literally abandoned just for a party sequence.

Still, the worst so far have been a strange pair of films. The first was Voyage to the Prehistoric Planet. This one was really hard to sit through. It's supposed to be about a group of astronauts on an expedition to Venus. I'd call their vision of the planet dated but it makes no sense even by the standards of 1965. 

For those of you who aren't fluent in astronomy, the true nature of Venus was a very recent discovery. At some point in the 20th century, someone looked at Venus and saw that it had clouds. Since as we all know, those could only possibly be created by water, the logical conclusion was that Venus had an Earth-like environment. Then one day we did some further studies and it turned out to be a dry inferno with acid rain. Before that discovery, however, many science fiction writers liked to imagine the possibility of life on Venus. 

That said, the vision of the future in this film makes almost no sense. There's two groups of characters to follow and they're both made up of men who are impossible to tell apart. I've seen this problem crop up before but here they don't even have much of a personality to distinguish them. The only character of any interest is a female astronaut named Marsha, who serves more as a controller from orbit.

It's also another good example of a film that shows it has no idea what it's talking about. It's taken a tip from the Jean-Luc Godard school of science fiction writing: just use throw the word "galaxy" into your script and you'll instantly have a great vision of the future. At the very end we hear a narrator talk about how humans exploring "other worlds and other galaxies".

I think they're missing a few steps there. What about other star systems within our own galaxy? We'd have a far better chance of reaching one of those than we ever would leaving our own galaxy. I hate it when science fiction writers just throw around astronomy terms "galaxy" and "nebula" like that when they clearly have no idea what they mean.

Of course, as if the plot of Voyage to the Prehistoric Planet wasn't confusing enough, there's another film tying in with it and I can't make heads or tail of what the intention was. This was called Voyage to the Planet of the Prehistoric Women. At first glance, it appeared to be a sequel, attempting to pick up where the first film left off, in which case it would be completely unwarranted as there was nothing in the first film that made me want to see the story continue. 

It looked like it was going to address one unresolved plot thread in the original version, which concerned one of the astronauts hearing the voice of a woman on Venus but never managing to find her. That was until the narration recapping the events of the previous film ended up taking far too much time. It ended up going on for at least twenty or thirty minutes before we got to any of the "prehistoric women", though the sad part is that this summary of events made a lot more sense than the original plot.

However, it turned out to be nothing more than a bizarre and unnecessary re-edit. Basically, the story was more or less the same as Voyage to the Prehistoric Planet except it cut Marsha's scenes (some of the more tolerable parts of the original version) and spliced in a bunch of shots of scantily clad women with a sub-plot of their own. They're apparently supposed to be alien, but as you can expect from any b-movie of this sort, it's an exclusively female society. Apparently they reproduce asexually and have a language that by total coincidence is identical to English. Seriously, why do b-movies that do this kind of thing never make an effort to address the obvious questions they raise.

Basically once the "prehistoric women" finally enter the picture, something like 40 minutes in, their plot concerns a creature killed by the protagonists in self-defense. In the original version, this was just a minor action scene that unsuccessfully tried to build tension. In this version, it claims that the creature in question was worshiped by these women, and they want to avenge it by killing the astronauts. It was so bad I didn't even finish the movie, but from what I could gather their scenes are mostly just spliced in among re-edited footage from Voyage to the Prehistoric Planet and never really connects to it much.

What was the point of this film? Why does Voyage to the Planet of the Prehistoric Women exist? Was the original such a hit as to warrant a director's cut, or is this just supposed to be some kind of sequel or midquel? What was the idea behind making this movie? Why was it necessary to re-edit the film and splice in these scenes of mostly nude women? In what way did the plot of Voyage to the Prehistoric Planet warrant any kind of follow-up at all? I can't imagine it was because the film was so gripping people wanted to know about the woman whose voice that astronaut kept claiming to hear.

I have no idea. Whatever the filmmakers intended, don't bother with either of these films. All you'll get is a painful hour (and an extra 20 minutes in the case of Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women) of an incoherent story in which you can't even distinguish the actors you're supposed to be rooting for. As far as b-movies go, unless you have a couple of robots on hand who can riff either of them to help you get through it, these films are ones that you can certainly skip.