Sunday, 5 April 2015

Film Fortress 2

So there was recently this strange political development in which the Prime Minister of Canada was kidnapped by Neo-Nazi communist hippy ninjas who want Belgium's nuclear launch codes or something. I don't know. I don't follow politics much. All I know is that some United Nations official showed up at my house, said that the Prime Minister has been kidnapped by Neo-Nazi communist hippy ninjas, and asked if I was a "bad enough dude" to save the him. I don't know what that means, but I told them I was. They then shoved some paperwork in my face and told me I had to assemble a team of the toughest men and women available to save him and if the team I put together was composed entirely of white men they'd throw me in prison.

It wasn't easy, but I think I've found a good team to get the job done. Just for fun, I've decided to base most of my team on the classes from Team Fortress 2, and use that as a guide for assembling them. I've also been trying to offer a balance of gender and hopefully race. I got six men and six women, plus a decent balance of race among both sexes. This should be enough to meet the quota I was given.

By the way, yes, I know that some of these people are dead (though I won't say which ones to avoid spoilers). I found this crazy scientist who built a time-travelling DeLorean and he took me back in time so that I could recruit those people before they died and then bring them back to the present.

Ground Force

Tech Sgt. Elena Santos (Battle: Los Angeles, 2011)- Scout

Santos might not technically be infantry, but she has shown that she is certainly capable of defending herself (considering how much time she spent on her own in a war zone, initially without assistance). If she could hold her own in an alien invasion, Neo-Nazi communist hippy ninjas shouldn't be that big a problem. She is one who can fit right into the squad, but she also has experience in reconnaissance. Before the team can storm the Neo-Nazi communist hippy ninjas' carefully hidden headquarters, somebody has to get the information on their hideout and their activities. That's where a scout comes in handy, someone who can observe the enemy from a distance undetected.

Co (Rambo: First Blood Part II, 1985)- Soldier

I know, much as I dislike this film, Co was probably the one decent thing it had to offer (I'm pretty sure it was James Cameron who put her in the script, and Sylvester Stallone who ruined it). For the (frustratingly) short amount of screen time she had, this girl had a lot of skill. She showed that she was certainly capable of looking after herself and she even ended up in a situation where she had to save Rambo, and succeeded. We're talking about a one-woman extraction team. If something goes wrong with Evelyn Salt, this is the person who's going to get her to safety. She knows how to use the environment to her advantage, and she can handle a machine gun. Trust me, you'll want this girl watching your back, and her teammates will actually be able to understand what she is saying, certainly more than can be said for her partner.

Ellen Ripley (Aliens, 1986)- Pyro

This girl was able to take on an army of monstrous aliens several times before they finally killed her (and even that didn't stop her from facing them again). Her weapon of choice is a flamethrower and she definitely knows how to use it. After facing down Xenomorphs several times, (an entire hive in the case of Aliens), Neo-Nazi communist hippy ninjas should be pretty simple to deal with by comparison. Besides, she could use a change in activity, considering how she can't seem to go anywhere without having to face these aliens I think having a new enemy to deal with might be refreshing for her. Don't you?

Blaine (Predator, 1987)- Heavy

One thing we're going to need on a mission like this is lots of firepower. Aside from being specially trained for these types of missions, this is a guy armed with some very large guns and capable of doing a lot of damage with little trouble. Ninjas might be fast, but they can't outrun bullets. If we can get this guy in position with his minigun he should be able to take out large amounts of Neo-Nazi communist hippy ninjas at once, and with little damage to himself, at least as long as one of them doesn't manage to use their throwing stars to slice his heart out. Even if that does happen, he should be able to at least drastically reduce the enemy's numbers first, making them an easier target for everyone else.

Sgt. First Class William James (The Hurt Locker, 2008)- Demoman

Well, knowing the way these kinds of situations often go, it's inevitable that something is going to get destroyed sooner or later, and we'd better make sure that works in our favor. We'll have to pull James out of Iraq, but I don't think he'll mind too much. This guy's services will be valuable in two ways. First of all, and perhaps most obviously, James would be the guy to call if the team has to deal with a live explosive. He will know precisely how to disarm it. On the flip side, James has so much experience in disarming bombs, and knows them inside out, he could probably make one if necessary. With the collection of bomb parts he has accumulated, he probably has enough pieces to make at least two or three just for fun long before they are actually needed. Of course, the rest of the team will need to keep an eye on him to make sure his adrenaline fix doesn't get in the way of the mission, but his skills should be enough to make up for that.

Lisbeth Salander (The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, 2009)- Engineer

Okay, so maybe she can't build sentries and teleporters, but this girl is resourceful and has a lot of technical skills that could be very useful. After all, everybody knows how much ninjas love to use computers, and those could hold a lot of extremely important information on their operations. That kind of information would be extremely valuable for the scout and spy, but she should also be able to get eyes in the building and remain in contact with everyone else. It does mean that she will be spending a lot of time in the background, but even if she does encounter trouble, Lisbeth can take care of herself, especially once Blaine has done his part.

Ensign Monk (The Abyss, 1989)- Medic

There are a few good reasons to put a guy like this on the team. For one thing, he is a trained Navy SEAL, which means he can definitely take care of himself, but as a medic he also knows how to keep calm while looking after wounded comrades under stressful circumstances. With an army of Neo-Nazi communist hippy ninjas on the loose, it's likely that someone might get hurt, so we'll need a person who can patch up their wounds when that does happen. Also, Monk is just such a nice guy for a SEAL, a very good quality for a doctor to have to be sure, and his bedside manner can certainly be helpful under pressure.

Jason Bourne (The Bourne Supremacy, 2004)- Sniper

It might be hard to convince a man like Bourne to take part in a mission like this (though some sort of guarantee that he'll be left alone afterwards might help), but his skills would be incredibly valuable in many ways. He has shown that he is a talented sniper, and he is very good at finding vantage points from which to observe. This would almost certainly be valuable when we are sending in our scout or our spy, since he will be able to see any danger coming long before they do. The other thing is that in addition to being a sniper, he is also more than capable of defending himself at close range, so if the Neo-Nazi communist hippy ninjas manage to find him we shouldn't have to worry too much about his safety.

Evelyn Salt (Salt, 2009)- Spy

Sometimes having a scout isn't enough. They can be great for observing the enemy but we might need someone who can actually get into the enemy base in order to get all the facts. The scout might be good for helping her to get in, but someone is going to have to be able to infiltrate the enemy. Salt is a girl who can do that, seeing as she can get in, get the information, and perhaps even work undercover (it's not that hard to disguise yourself as a ninja after all). She also has communist ties herself, so she should be able to blend in without much trouble, and she is very good and taking out these kinds of organizations from within. Also, Salt has been dealing with a lot of undercover Russian agents, a change in objective would probably do her some good.

Sgt. West (Basic, 2003)- Team Leader

We have a good team here, but somebody is going to have to take command in order to keep them organized. This guy might be hard, but if there is one thing that's certain it is that he knows what he is doing. He doesn't like to play by the rules, for sure, but he knows how to put together a team to get things done, and he should be able to handle a job like this without much trouble. I won't deny that West is tough and that some of the people under his command might have more than a few reasons to dislike him, but he is a capable (if unconventional) leader and he will do what he feels needs to be done to complete the mission. 


Captain Steven Hiller (Independence Day, 1996)- Pilot

We've got here a great team to take out the enemy and get back the Prime Minister, but before they can do anything we need someone to get them to the necessary drop point, and to pick them up when the job is done. That's where Captain Hiller will be useful. Aside from being a fully qualified air force pilot, Hiller has certainly survived against far worse, so he will definitely be helpful if the team runs into trouble while trying to get to the chopper. Nobody's going to get this guy's machine as long as he can help it, but then again ninjas aren't exactly prepared much for aerial combat, so he should have a pretty easy time with this job.

Connie Hooper (Unstoppable, 2010)- Dispatcher

Somebody is going to have to keep track of everything that is going on. We'll need someone back at base who can keep in constant contact with our heroes and make sure everything goes smoothly (as well as deal with all the inevitable bureaucracy of her superiors). Connie is someone who is certainly able to commit herself when trouble arises (even if it runs the risk of getting fired) and her experience in coordinating railways should be useful under these circumstances. If there is anything that the team needs, this is the girl who is going to make sure it gets to them, and who will make sure everyone gets pulled out safely.


  1. Very nice squad you've got there. I was definitely not expecting to see Lisbeth Salander. Great inclusion. Love seeing Jesse "The Body" Ventura. Should have mine up by the end of the week.

    1. I will admit that Lisbeth Salander was a tough call, but it was really hard to find someone to fill the engineer role, and I spent a lot of time struggling to keep a solid balance of genders. With much of the rest of the cast, I was trying to find less obvious choices. I figure a lot of people will want Dutch from Predator, so why not choose the other major star from that film that people often forget?

      I'm looking forward to seeing your squad. Actually, I'm kinda super-hyped to see everyone's entries. It's only been a week since I started and already I'm getting anxious about wanting to see people join in. One thing that is easy to forget about running blogathons is that they require a degree of patience.